awwww, you all knew it anyway. i've taken a LOT of my previous posts out of lockdown. there were a few trolls lurking about, and were being bitter, bitter queens, but fuck'em! i'm proud of what i wrote. and i mean every single word i said.
just know this...

i love him
he knows it
i know it
i know he loves me
that's all there is to it.

sláinte!

The Devil getting Gaelic on your ass.

So, yes darling blog you may just be asking that question in the title. I am an awful blog owner and am quite likely to lose you to protective services sometime soon...but until that sad,sad day you are ALL mine!! bwahahahaha!

So, sezzly (thank you Cameron for infecting my vocab) it has been a long time. Tons has happened as per usual, and rather than re-hash crap that has passed i shall make a list (proactive, she wrote!) of all the things i am thankful for right now (yes, it's very Oprah, but fuck off!)

1) i love my job. it pays crap, but i feel like i'm actually doing good in the world...well, in the University of Sydney world, anyways. i love that i have landed in student politics (again!) and that i play such an active role in the welfare of postgrads on campus (for those of you i haven't told...i am Secretary/Queer Equity Officer for SUPRA...Sydney Postgraduate Representative Association) i have the most awesome friends/colleagues and i am in love with the Sydney Uni campus. it's historic (in parts) and some of the architecture is breathtaking (geeeeeeeeeeek!) and i love that it takes me 10 minutes to walk to campus...
...which brings me to...
2) i love my (new-ish) house. it's modern and has the most awesome balcony. plus the block, and therefore the house, is shaped like an isosceles triangle. for reals! it's literally stunning and has weird angles and i am in love. it's a 5 minute walk to Newtown (where ALL the cool kids hang out, don'tcha know) and a 10 minute walk to uni. public transport...be gone! *heart
3) i love that i just feel happy for absolutely no reason these days. i am finally settling in to Sydney and it feels like home.
4) i am becoming more content by the day (and contentment is a VERY underrated feeling in our society, says i) it isn't for any particular reason either. i am simply happy to be alive. i spent the majority of yesterday catching some sun on my balcony and watching birds way, way up high just drifting around on air currents. not really going anywhere. but just letting the current take them wherever. it was moving and beautiful. and it made me unspeakably happy. : )
5) i am on the cusp of something great. (it has nothing to do with anyone else. it's all me.)
6) i love my bed. i have my old bed back...from over 10 years ago. it's wooden and heavy and gives me the best night's sleep. if there ever were a remake of "Bedknobs and Broomsticks" it would have a starring role. it is massive and has thousands of pillows and is just heaven. and i'm sure if i willed it enough it WOULD fly : )
7) i am practicing reiki again. i kinda forgot i could do it. it's nice to be reminded that i can.
8) i love second chances at things. and redemption. and realising that it doesn't matter what others think about me, all that matters is what i think. and that being comfortable with myself is so freeing.

and so, that brings this episode of Oprah to a close. tune in next time for salacious revelations! (i know that's all you really wanna hear...)

The Devil with a knowing smile

so, dear blog, i find myself once again neglecting you in ways that should have the RSPCA/PeTA/Amnesty International up in arms. but before you go sulking off in the corner (and don't you even THINK of turning your back on me, mister!) just remember the joy you get from my monthly visits. all the things i have to fill you in on. hearing how my life goes from strength to strength...and happy to happier. go on admit it. you love me and cannot live without my (admittedly fickle) love. right? right?? come here and nuzzle against daddy's chest while he tells you a bedtime story...he promises to spend more time with you and throw you more bones (lord knows he has enough of THOSE to go round...nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. ;)

so this story begins about, oooh a month ago....

oh, wait. let's backtrack a little...Papa forget to tell you, but he was elected to SUPRA at university in March. SUPRA is Sydney University Postgraduate Representative Association...basically the the student council for post-grads. (Remember all those student councils he was on since way back in primary school? yes? it's very similar. except people get cross more.) so daddy's been so very happy to get political again (remember those 7 years we spent in Japan? how everyone was apathetic. and robotic. and apolitical. and unions didn't exist. well, we're back in the real world now.) anyway, dad has been diligent and attending all the council meetings and building himself a profile and very much enjoying having a say (yes, after a loooong time in the wilderness he has re-discovered his voice. it's very hoarse from disuse but it's coming back...with a vengeance. yes, just like John McClane...no, sweetie...not John McCain [Jesus wept] but McClane...like from the Die Hard fillums!) so he found himself getting elected as the Activities Committee Co-Convenor, responsible for planning EVERY event that SUPRA holds, plus outreach to all the SUPRA members. awesome! bringing it back to the people! so there were rumblings that the Queer Equity Officer was wanting to step down for the upcoming council term...and quite a few people thought daddy should throw his hat in the ring. well, he thought about it and thought "hey, i'm queer! hey, i have experience fighting for queer rights! hey, i can string some sentences together in an intelligent way! i'm gonna do it!" and you know what? last Friday he did it! he ran against two other very lovely, worthy opponents and somehow what daddy had to say struck a nerve and he was elected. get in, as they say!
so now daddy finds himself with a lot on his plate and a lot that he wants to implement and a lot that he wants to achieve...and he can't wait! he's veritably champing at the bit (grrrrrrowwwllll!!!!) he is gonna be fierce, make NO mistake!
oh, and by the by, papa is dating a lovely boy. he met him at Mardi Gras (they marched in the same float! 1.2.3...awwwwwwwww!) and things are going slowly but surely. the boy is very cute, and loves movies and music as much as your daddy does. in fact daddy's iTunes is bursting at the seams! they are having old fashioned dates and being very gooey around each other. (on that note, here is a message for said boy... אתה מדהים)
and so, for now, daddy's story is coming to an end...you're getting sleepy and it's time to put you to bed, tiger.
next story will be about our friend Etty Ting Ting (you remember her...she looks vaguely like Daddy except she wears a dress and gorgeous make-up and is FEROSH!) and her trip to the Sydney Opera House with Ms. Kinder Sarprise. they attended a fabulous ball, don't you know! and had their photograph taken many times! but that is for next time.
now off to bed, you little scamp!
sweet dreams, darling.

The Devil kissing your forehead.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cB-hUzxgDi0

I dreamt about this song last night...and it's appropriate for a few things that are happening in my love life...well, not love life exactly. this is about one of my beloveds ('beloveds' are people that have entered my life at various times. some are family, some have been romantic, some have been friendships, some have elements of both, some aren't human. the list is quite small and very exclusive. there are people that i had relationships with for years that will never make the list, and there are some that i have known for a relatively short time that make the cut without question. beloveds have each in their own way irrevocably changed my life for the better. i love them all without measure. the ones who still exist on this plane make me joyously happy when i see them; the ones who have passed over have the same effect when i remember them. i will never divulge who is a beloved and who isn't. it's for me and me only...and i would hate to offend any one.)

one of my beloveds has moved on (you may interpret that how you wish) and i am extremely happy for them. not that it was needed, but i approve. i guess that i am a little wistful for what things might have been if not for the tyranny of geography and logic. (and a very fatalistic...and therefore over-simplistic...part of me tells me that things have unfolded the way they should. my journey is leading me elsewhere. to my own place of belonging.)

so back to the beginning. i dreamt about this song last night. it was for a particular reason. the part in parentheses in the title played on loop over and over in my dream. it was about a beloved. i love them with every fibre of my being.

they know who they are.

The Devil reminiscing. 

so my little baby brother came to visit.
we went to karaoke for the first time together.
he brought his girlfriend Hayley
(whom i adore)
we sang together.
and we sounded awesome.
just like i knew we would.
there's a lot to be said for siblings.
they have your back no matter what.
and that makes me happier more than you could possibly imagine.
i have a kindred.
forever more.
*heart.

The Devil counting his blessings.

***IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH: please to be checking my BFFs blog. despite what you may read below it is my fave blog OF ALL TIME! in fact i wouldn't be blogging myself if it weren't for Dan. He is a fashion maven, laughs at my crap jokes and is extraordinarily hot. for realz. go visit him at: http://www.welcome-to-tokyo-mr-bond.blogspot.com/ and tell him that i sent you. (updated: 9.14PM, Monday, March 30th, 2009.) now get on with reading all about me, me, ME!!***

so the genesis for this post lay in the fact that i was lamenting that one of my favourite bloggers (http://onedatatime.typepad.com/) Tracie hasn't updated in a while. The irony being that i haven't posted in about 6 weeks too. So here i am. Very quickly. There's an essay in my head that needs to make it on to the page otherwise 'shit creek' and 'paddle' spring to mind.
First things first. This post finds me happier and healthier than i have been for *literally* years. I write that so casually like it isn't VERY FUCKING IMPORTANT but there it is. I've managed to shake some lingering health problems that have been plaguing me for, well, forever actually. Oh, fuck it...why dance around it...i've *finally* stopped having panic attacks. after having them almost daily for a full year. it's taken a helluva lot of work but they're gone. for good. and i feel confident in saying that. i don't know why/how but just that they've stopped. and i can't begin to tell you how good that feels. like i have a glow (though that could be my current hair colour...'smouldering red', fact fans! imagine a toffee apple. but redder. it's kinda awesome.) anyway at some point i will write about the experience. it was hairy and scary and there were times (often) that i thought i would never get better and be able to write something like this. and the best part? it happened without me realising. a new friend asked about being ill and it suddenly struck me that 'fuck, i haven't even had to think about this for what seems like forever'. simple, but brilliant...like a light got switched on. anyway, i'll probably want to put more thoughts down in the future. till then...i'm fucking normal again!!!
other news...uni is going well. changed to part-time to give myself an easy re-introduction to the world of academia so we're chugging along. umm, my house is awesome...and getting awesomer. i LOVE the folks i live with and have become particularly close to the other guy in the house, Matt (if you're reading this...love you, darl!) and with his guidance have birthed a drag queen. Ms. Etty Ting Ting came screaming into existence on my very first day in the house (January 17th) and she has quietly, but resolutely, become increasingly fierce. she has just made purchase of her very first frock (momentous!) and it is fucking hot. a black PVC *skin tight* Chinese dress that is suuuuuuuuper short. it makes her look like a fucking hot bitch and she loves it! Etty is currently working on her first performance and is leaning towards something Lily Allen-ish songwise. 
oh, and before i go, i'm utterly single. my 'relationship' (i don't know if you can even call it that) with Chris kinda ended in a weird way. kinda? try 'very'. we had an awesome mardi gras weekend (forgot to tell y'all...i marched! yay! i looked glittery blue and beautiful and the photo accompanying this post is an awesome picture my Darling Deny took that makes me look very Pierre et Gilles...if i do say so myself. it was unbelieveable and i felt like a rockstar all day. fucking fantastic) then he just fell right off the radar. literally. no replies to my mails, not answering calls, we've chatted briefly a few times on facebook but nothing substantial. and there is absolutely no reason for it (at least that i can see.) Chris, if you're reading this, maybe you could try growing a pair and letting me know why the cold shoulder. kthnxbai. my point of view? i care about the guy (but not in any romantic sense) and hope he gets back on his feet. and realises that i'm a damn good friend, if nothing else. but whatevs, over it! i hadn't realised how anti-social i had become and it has been great to get out and about again...especially because getting out and about has brought me increasingly more gentlemanly attention! loves it! i've had some very hot boys after the Judge and it has done wonders for my ego and self-confidence. (it has also lead to some very hot times. yay!)
so there it is. me, right now. i'll be back to write more soon. hugs, bitches.

The Devil writing an essay.

so it seems i'm in Sydney! this is just a very short post as i'm about to head out exploring...but one thing i can tell you is that my head is in a million different places right now. i've been here for 4 days and it's been a whirlwind of emotion...both positive and negative. i left Japan in a slightly fuzzy frame of mind (thanks to Jaime and her "it's OK, it's not too strong acid"...famous last words, haha!...on my last karaoke adventure the nite before my flight. note to selves kids...LSD is NOT conducive to last minute packing! thank the gods for the intervention of Cameron otherwise i'd never have left my bedroom, let alone made it to the airport.)

in hindsight though a slightly trippy state of mind probably helped the whole leaving Japan cause...Cameron came with me to the airport and our seats on the Narita Express faced backwards so i literally spent the trip to the terminal watching Japan retreat away from me. very appropriate. and i had no troubles checking in (in spite of excess baggage and slightly crazy eyes.) Cameron really is a good luck charm!

speaking of the man...fuck leaving him at the departure gate was quite possibly one of the hardest things i can remember doing. both of us in tears, not wanting to let go. heartbreaking. he gave me some awesome leaving gifts and i've had them with me since i left. he gave me a moleskin journal with some of his cologne across it's pages...that thing has been clutched and sniffed countless times since i got here.

i could go on and on about Cameron (but some things can't be expressed in mere words. he knows i love him. you know i love him. and the rest i'll save for just me and him. thank the gods for skype is all i can say)...but coming to Sydney is about re-inventing myself, and doing something that i've always wanted to do (that'd be post-grad study, folks.) it should and WILL be a positive, awesome experience. everything is new and a (mostly) positive assault on my senses.

frankly, i'm overwhelmed at times and i'm trying to take little bites to ease me into stuff. but my head? yeah, i don't know who i am or what i'm going to become here. the last few months have had a profound impact on my ideals, thoughts and ideas. i've had my eyes opened to so much  new information and almost my entire belief system turned upside down. i've re-engaged my intelligence, and i'm thirsty for more.

so here's to a new me. and following my destiny.

all the way down Oxford Street, haha!

The Devil on his way out the door.

oh, LJ. how i've neglected thee. time for a catch up....

firstly, this post should really be called 'best week ever'. two momentous events occurred this past week, within 24 hours of each other...ready...deep breath...first, i celebrated my one year aneu-versary on the 19th (made it, bitches!) and the VERY next day i got accepted into grad school (fuck yeah!) how fucking crazy is that?? two things i'd never thought i'd see, but BAM! BAM! the Universe decides to show me some love. serious love. (and by the by, is it disingenuous to feel like i deserve it??...that's a rhetorical question, dear reader...don't feel like you have to throw your 2 cents in.) both happenings taught me that i should have WAY more faith in myself. and weirdly they're both interconnected. here i am questioning my intelligence post brain explosion and i undermine that entire argument by getting accepted into a Masters program that i (secretly) so desperately wanted.

yes, folks...i'm coming home and going back to skool! in Sydney, no less. (very quickly...in case you're one of the 2 people on the planet that i didn't call in a schoolgirl-ish sugar rush after hearing the news...i got accepted into the Masters program for Urban and Regional Planning at the University of Sydney.) i had to write an application essay that i ended up saving on my mate Tom's laptop that i was borrowing because MY laptop was in seven kinds of trouble....Tom's adorable boyfriend, Hiroshi, got it sent off to Toshiba (the company AND the actual city....fuck i love Japan) to see what was wrong with it. Long story short, the dedicated Toshiba technicians (and you know they are....they fucking live at the factory!) ascertained that 'someone' (i'm looking at you Brian) had spilt liquid on the the keyboard and it had trickled down to the motherboard (fuck!) Prognosis, not good! And it'll cost 70,000 yen to get fixed. Ummm, no. Do.Not. Want. so the Toshibi-cians dutifully sent it back in a gorgeous box (seriously) to languish at the bottom of my enormous closet forevermore. it got delivered by registered post, which meant it came on a Sunday morning (post-big nite)so i crustily opened the door to the delivery dude wearing nary but my prized H&M Superman undies. he was old...he thought it was cute. everybody chuckled. but i digress...

my laptop came back in perfect condition! their pokings & machinations to discover the source of my computer's lergy had actually solved the prob! score another one for me! so here i sit from my (accidentally) re-conditioned laptop and am communicating with you via internet majik.

fuck me, that was quite an aside! anyway...whilst my laptop got sent to the deepest, darkest wilds of Toshiba City, my borrowed laptop from Tom decided to kick the bucket (look, i have a knack, OK??) and taking all my uni application stuff with it. motherfucker. and of course, being the complete masochist that i am, i decided that my life as i knew it depended on me re-writing that essay and express posting it out of Japan as soon as possible. tout suite, you may say. so, i sat down and wrote that motherfucking essay from memory in an hour. (with some apparently judicious editing. quite frankly, i thought i came across like a arrogant asshole on the readback.) but dog-damn if they didn't get back to me within a week and a half. i'm in, i did it and now i gotta figure out how to a) pay for it, and b) figure out a way to get a leg up on all the new grads i'm gonna be be competing against. and i'm not above sabotage, either. haha!

so, here i am looking forward to going to Sydney wholeheartedly. yeah, reading back some of my previous posts, who'da thunk it?? moving somewhere new after almost 7 years is as scary as all get out, but i simply cannot explain how important this is for me. for so many reasons. it's a chance to re-invent myself, to not be the aneurysm guy, to not be a harried boyfriend, to not be bending backwards to make someone else happy, to (finally) not be compromising myself.

i really can't do this ANY justice in a blog post (and since i've linked this to facebook i know that there're more people with access to this than there used to be.) if you're not my 'friend' on LJ then you can't see a lot of what i've posted before. i'm sorry...but there are some things that i only want certain people to see. or alternatively, its just for myself.

but this one's public. the third momentous event this week (and as important as the rest) was me telling someone that i love them. and meaning it more than a thousand blog posts could ever describe. (and he loves me back. fucking amazing. he's wicked, rad, awesome and absolutely beautiful. inside and out. le sigh.)

i'm truly blessed. (as hokey as that sounds.)

i love you, Cameron.

The Devil smiling.

I said it.
I know that I feel it.
I never thought that I'd tell you.
(But I'm so glad that I did.)

golly, life is complicated. as much as the title of this post evokes some of my favourite books from my childhood it's a complete other thing to have it play out real life. (AND in adulthood.) as much as i'd like to turn to page 69 to find out if following the Mayan guide was truly the best choice (and if it wasn't i'd have no qualms about flipping back to page 42 and choosing again. i cheat like that;) i suddenly find myself at a massive fork in the road. each pathway looks appealing and i can see great riches awaiting me whatever page i choose, but am i suddenly gonna end up at the end of the narrative if i don't choose wisely? (short answer, yes. long answer, yes.)

you pray to God, gods, goddesses, Nature, the Universe, Doraemon, your-fucking-self, for a break in the weather (please) but when it finally comes it's not neat and simple. it's beautiful, yes. what you asked for, yes. but with strings attached. to oversimplify things, i've been presented with two paths to follow. i honestly don't know which is better. BOTH will give me something i've wanted for a long time. and i can't help but think about what would happen if i choose either. it's not particularly healthy...but it is addictive.

not meaning to be abstract, but things ARE pretty abstract, to even me right now. thankfully i've learned to appreciate the good and the bad that comes with being a functioning 'intelligent' organism on this planet. i'm not afraid of pain, hurt, hardship, happiness, ecstacy or joy. i've danced with them all. (and i think that on some levels they are all inter-changeable with one another anyway.) what bugs me are 'what ifs'. throw everything you have at me, but don't keep giving me Sophie's Choice (it's an over-rated movie BUT Meryl Streep is the shit. so i guess it balances.)

so much for my cerebral pledge from last post but fuck it. i'm truly on the horns of a dilemma here.

The Devil sinking into a glass of red wine.

so it's another Sunday where i'm scatterbrained (read into that what you will...but your first guess is probably right;) and i'm dye-ing (sp?) my hair. again. it seems i do this whenever i wanna 'make a change'. like, once i'm done i'll look in the mirror and be a different me. on the surface it works...but i'm not sure about my insides. anyway, i digress...

i really meant for this blog to be my ruminations on intelligent subject matter but reading my previous posts i come off sounding like somewhat of a valley girl (LOVE Frank Zappa!) i assure you that i DO have a brain, i use it and i think i could be loosely termed intelligent. i shall make an effort to be more cerebral and engage you in discourse that isn't only limited to 'dogs' and 'the boy i'm crushing on' from now on.

but no promises.

as probably all of you know i had an aneurysm last November (almost my one year aneu-versary!) and it still scares the shit out of me. i've said this to a few of you, but i feel 'dumber'. in fact i know i'm not as smart as i used to be. and the worst part of it is knowing that. (like seriously, if you're gonna fuck with my brain at least make sure i don't have residual memories. i'm not into that Total Recall bullshit.) i know bad shit happens to everyone, but there's something cruel (and why do i keep thinking of 'Flowers for Algernon'?) about knowing that you've mentally deteriorated. i'm not as sharp, witty or together as i used to be. and it sucks balls.

anywho, this is not meant to be a pity party. i'm just still getting used to the 'new' me. (and, by the by, Jesus/Allah/Buddha...don't give me fucking Alzheimers, OK? or i'll punch you in the face. kthnksbai.)

and since you asked, my hair is now 'rusty mocha'. (which sounds like a wicked porn name, btw.)

peace out.

The Devil wearing Cameron's boots.

God-damn (please don't damn me, o benevolent one!) i've met some good people recently. i'm a fan of the 'dogs are the BEST people' quote, (mostly cos you can always count on a Golden Retriever to lift your day)...but i think i might have to amend that. i've met some folk recently who are worthy of a place in my heart.
Cameron & Sarah...i'm taking you both with me.
equally, separately, differently...you're beautiful.
thank you for finding me.
you make me smile (and i wish you were some yappy chihuahuas that i could throw in my handbag to take along on the next part of my journey.)

just don't pee on me.
(at least without asking first)

love you betches!

The Devil smiling.

man, i surprise even myself sometimes with some of the shit that comes out of my mouth. and i make myself laugh more than is probably normal. lol.

Halloween is my favourite-ist day of the whole year and i'm stuck at home with a cold. Motherfucker. And i'm missing my mate Billy's karaoke birthday bash AND a house party at my mate Andrew's. Double motherfucker.

But i've just downed some big ass flu pills. Industrial strength, so much pseudo-ephedrin it'd make a trucker blush, gonna knock that virus right into the middle of next week, pills. And I have herbal refreshments on hand, and two Kit Kats (gotta have me some chocolate on Halloween!).
So i guess it ain't all bad:)

The Devil getting (legally) high.

this drove me absolutely insane when i was 14. it still does. God damn, i wanted to live in Twin Peaks.and go to Laura Palmer's funeral in a hot, wide brimmed black hat. and look all heavy lidded and serious. (i had a strange childhood.)

It's a little early, I think I have the flu, I had a fucking horrid nightmare last night AND i'm a little pissed.

First things first...whatever i write on this blog is primarily for me. i realise that this is a public forum but the only people that know i'm keeping this, and therefore have access to it, are people that i consider my closest friends. i thought for a millisecond about editing some stuff i've written but fuck that. whatever i write/wrote is how i was feeling at the time. it doesn't mean that that's a definitive snapshot of everything that's going through my head, or even my thought of the hour. bottom line: i don't expect to have what i've written criticized and then used against me to make me feel guilty. it's very simple...if you don't like what you read then don't fucking read it.

still reading? are you sure you wanna do that?

by the way, if i've mentioned you by name and you take offense to that, i'll listen to what you have to say. if you haven't been mentioned and are giving me your opinion on stuff that doesn't concern you, you can piss off. seriously.

and on a semi-related note...i'm definitely leaving Japan. without question. if things come across as uncertain from what you read here it's because i've lived here for almost 7 years, most of my friends are here and leaving ain't fucking easy. i would've thought that was obvious. i'm still processing the whole moving countries thing so give me a break.

my apologies to those this post doesn't concern. it's mostly for the attention of one person (who should really know better.)

The Devil with a fever.

about to dash out the door to meet Cameron (heart)...so super fast post.

talking it over with Lee (bless her) and we're hatching plans to stop me leaving Japan. it would piss SO many people off BUT equally it would make a whole bunch happy too...including me.

Lee and I are gonna meet Saturday to discuss over wines. On a side note: Lee...i can't believe you made it through Sober October! you're my hero.

now let's get drunk!

The Devil in a pink hoodie.

Sunday morning. messy hair. underwear. got nothing i need to do today. heaven.